My Queen

I remember the day so vividly.My mother whispered something in my ear and my father grabbed me up in his arms and we ran excitedly throughout the house.It was a joyous day, I was going to be a proud big sister!We were going to be inseperable, and I was going to teach her everything she would need to know, like where the milk tin was hidden, what to say to papa to get a chocolate for being good, how to smile sweetly when mama would get angry, she would learn fast.There was no doubt in my mind she would.

The next memory is a little blurred in the beginning.I was fast asleep during the peaceful and quiet hours of the night.Papa got a call from the hospital...she was here!She was finally here!We went to the hospital and went straight to the gallery where all the little babies were presented to their families.We were late and the curtains had fallen, but a very nice nurse allowed us to see our precious prize.And there as the curtains lifted i saw my baby sister for the first time, fast asleep in the arms of the nurse.What happened next I could never forget... the the lady smacked her cheek to get a response from her and the obviously disturbed angel yelled out in protest.At that moment, I remember feeling something I had never felt before.A curiously strong feeling that stirred within the very depths of my soul.As the frown took its place on my forehead, every muscle in my body tensed, the only thought that filled my baby mind was to jump through that barrier if I had to and smack that nurse senseless for touching that little bundle of beauty.I didnt realise it then, but as I look back now, it is clear to me, at that very point of time I had become the "big sister".

Nekita was not like the average girl in her babyhood.Everything about her was different, everything about her was special.Her very first report card at the tender age of 3 stated "Nekita does not hesitate to speak her mind, even to her teachers.I think she is going to grow up to be a politician".Although a few feet off the ground, she still packed a punch and was a force to be reckoned with.Boys got beaten up, the poor plants died at the hands of a "teacher" with a ruler in her hands.Naughty "students"...something needed to be done.A sense of defiance and strength that was unmistakeable, I always admired her and in a way was afraid of what she was going to do or say next.Thats what happens when you have a person as straightforward as her.People are seldom able to handle the truth, but thats exactly what you will get if you speak to her.The truth and nothing but the whole truth!My mother has tried and is still continuing in her efforts to explain to Nekita the ways of the world.How she should be more diplomatic and know what to say and when to say it.I laugh as I watch this battle of generations, I look at my mother and wonder if she realises that this strength comes from her.This air of courage against all odds is a gift shes given Nekita...Different, but still the same.

Our family went through hell and back in the last couple of years.I learned alot during this time and I'm still learning...People are never what they seem to be, its true what the say about knowing who your true friends are when you are down.Something you've looked up to and treated with utmost respect could turn out to be something very different.Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you.During the worst of times, I dont remember seeing my sister shed a tear.I know that air of defiance on her face meant she could take it on...and more, without flinching.I never realised just how much my baby sister had grown up...too soon if you ask me.I know that she is one of the most special people I have known and its a privilege to call her my sister.I couldnt be more proud...

We're so far apart and I miss you so much that it really does physically hurt.I worry about mama, but something in me is at peace because I know you are there by her side.I will not say that you shouldnt have gone through what you did at such a tender age, because I know that God has a purpose for everything.Your experiences guide you and I know you are intelligent enough to learn from them.Its been hard for me accepting the fact that you are growing up and even harder to know you have a boyfriend!!However, you dont need to worry, I think your big sister is growing up...besides, I think Gaurav is adorable.I love you with all my heart and soul and I want you to remember we may be worlds apart but it doesnt change a thing.We're really just a heartbeat away...you are my strength, my inspiration...My Queen.

A mother's love

In the face of an angel I can see the lines of divine love.The lines of strife and of terrifying trials.The trials that were borne, in silence, all in the name of a mother's love.A bond so special and so amazing, it keeps us together.An invisible cord that binds us, stronger than any on earth.A glimpse of God's unquestionable, unchanging love, all in the eyes of a woman, of a mother, as she holds the images and memories of her children safe within her soul.

Although quiet and unasuming, beneath lies the fiery heat of a lioness, who would do anything to protect her young.Unmistakeable and undeniable, this love has the power to provide one with the feeling of safety, courage like no being could fathom, drive to go forth without a moments hesitation.

There are times when one might question this driving force this innate feeling that even distance cannot diminish.I walked away and remember your face like it was yesterday.There was so much pain as u could do nothing as you watched me leave your side.The place where i felt safe, the one place i call home.Maybe someday I could explain to you that the courage within me, exists because of you.I walked away because I knew you were there behind me.When I turned around I saw you watching me.I carry that image with me, I know I am never alone...Worlds apart, but still, one heart.

Reflections

A friend of mine had asked, "do we really care what people think"?I thought about that for a while.During the period where i was searching for an answer I realised something that amazed me and gave me a new found sense of hope.

We grow up wondering what everyone is thinking and whether what we're doing is right or wrong.The question that remains is, who decides what is right and what is wrong?Nobody is perfect enough to point a finger and dismiss the actions of another.So there comes a point of time in our lives where we decide the opinion of only a few matter.The rest?Well, they will continue to judge, continue to watch from afar and question, continue to smile beneath the ugly face of envy.It doesnt matter...If God be with me who can be against me.Its as simple as that.

Someone told me once that i dont speak like a 22 yr old, i smiled to myself.He was right.When i listen to myself and the things i say sometimes, something deep within my very being begins to stir.Sometimes it takes one traumatic experience or maybe a series of them to really shake the very foundation you stand on.Everything you knew to be true everything you knew to be safe, could disappear.The pain you feel could get so intense that you would find it difficult to let the breath escape your body.To ease the strife you might begin to question why.Why did this happen?What did you do to deserve it?How are you ever going to recover.And then we do what everyone is strife does- we remember God.We pray and we say please Lord take this pain away, I cant take it anymore.However, what we really should say is please Lord give me the strength to accept what you give me, give me the strength to feel the pain, for it takes courage to endure, accept and move on.Its amazing how the change in your life could almost be instant.Just a change of a couple of words, just a change of heart.

I've come to a point in my life where i do not question.The good, the bad, it doesnt matter to me.As I know that everything happens for a reason.We might not understand it at that point of time but sometime in the future, the answer is clear to us, the reason for our suffering is right in front of us.Nothing happens when we want it to happen.Things happen when God wills it to happen.The sooner we accept that our life is not in our hands, the better.Sure we have to make the best of the opportunities presented, but they have been "presented".We really have nothing to do with it.What makes a difference in the long run are the decisions that we decide to make, each one either closer to farther away from our true goal - peace, true peace and a sense of well being within ourselves.

The hardest part is letting go.Change can be frightening but it is not until we take those baby steps that we really start to run.We might fall, but our Father is right there, waiting to pick us up.All we need to do is call out to Him.The second you decide to leave it all in His hands and say I trust in You, here is my life, do as You will, be sure that the change in your life will be instant and definite.It is actually so much easier to say I cant take this anymore, "Take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to thee" (one of my mum's favourite hymns).

So heres what I decided to do ... let go...let go of the pain, of the sorrow, of the tears ,
even the joy...just let go of it all.As I know there will be new pain to feel, new sorrows to endure,new tears to shed, new joys to feel.Every event is special and has its purpose, but we have to learn when to let it go...We have the privilege of walking this earth just once-time is running out, and theres a whole world out there-how much do we know?So the easiest thing to do is take that bagfull of complexities and place it in the hands of God.

I need to make space for the new ones.

THE ANGEL

I dreamt a dream! What can it mean?
And that I was a maiden Queen
Guarded by an Angel mild:
Witless woe was ne'er beguiled!

And I wept both night and day,
And he wiped my tears away;
And I wept both day and night,
And hid from him my heart's delight.

So he took his wings, and fled;
Then the morn blushed rosy red.
I dried my tears, and armed my fears
With ten thousand shields and spears.

Soon my Angel came again;
I was armed, he came in vain;
For the time of youth was fled,
And grey hairs were on my head.



William Blake...
one of my favourite poets, who seems to capture your attention and awaken an uneasy feeling deep within.When does innocence end and experience begin?the answer lies in the number of grey hairs i can count...or does it.