heartbreaker

Looking back on the past year spent in this paradise I cant help but marvel at the passage of time.I remember the first time I came to Rayong.It really was love at first sight.My weary soul seemed to be aching for peace and quiet and that is exactly what I got...and more.Rayong is literally by the ocean and its a quiet province that has much to offer, depending of course on what it is that you might be looking for.

At the point of time when I arrived, I was looking for a job that would provide me with a good enough salary to help my mother out as well as survive on my own.I just read the mail from my sister in Canada telling me all about her new school, and I cant help but marvel as I realise I have got more than I bargained for from this place.

I come from a city where chaos is a way of life.The people, the pollution, the place just got to me and I needed a way out.I hated seeing my mother suffering just doing the simple chores of marketing, sickened by the sights and the sounds.The city has its charm, it will always be the place I grew up in, but it had nothing to offer me, except bad memories...a dead end.

Upon arriving here and moving into my new condo I was overwhelmed with a sense of hope.I couldnt imagine the magnitude of the feat I wished to accomplish, and at that point of time, I felt like nothing could stop me. I felt a strength surge through my veins that couldnt possibly be of the petty human kind.As I look back now I realise I was blessed, as I am now.

The first few weeks staying here seemed like a fight for survival.As I looked around I felt nothing but amazement at the serenity and the beauty of the place, my mother and sister were my motivation to work hard to help them get out of Cal, but deep within me something was broken and something had died.I had been betrayed, not once, but twice (and it didnt stop there, as a few months ago there was a third).I wonder at times whether I am just too naive.When I love, I love with all my heart and soul, but I beginning to wonder whether thats really how its supposed to go.
I smile as I close my eyes and go back in time and watch the series of events that led me upto the present moment.How foolish are we to even think that we have anything to do with the events that take place in our lives...how complacent are we to think that our future is in our hands.The truth is, we are mere puppets, in the hands of God.

I was recovering from a bad break up, a relationship that ended after 3 and a half years.At that point of time, all I wanted to do was run home to Cal, shake him up and ask him what the hell was wrong with him.I wanted to run into my mothers arms and just cry, I wanted to sit and talk to my sister and my friends, I needed to do something to make it easier to breathe.As I looked around the four walls of my condo, I was faced with the difficult decision...go home-to what you've always known, to what can never change, or stay here-work hard and see what God has in store for you.I praise God that He gave me the courage to stay strong...to take the path less travelled.

Going to school in the morning was always an ordeal.It wasn't so much the activities of the day, because I loved my work.However, it was the early morning routine that broke my heart, every single day.As I watched the beautiful Thai families I couldnt help but feel an ache within the very depths of my soul.Mothers and fathers held hands, still in love, watching lovingly as their children scampered off into the classrooms.Some parents tried to gently pry the tiny but strong fingers away from their thighs...first timers.I thought of my life, promises made, promises broken, a life lived...I did something then I had never really done in full sincerity before- I prayed really hard.I prayed for forgiveness for feeling any sort of hatred.I prayed to allow the feeling of forgiveness come into my heart.I was blessed with a very good friend who helped me through the toughest of times.The things he said brought tears to my eyes, but I knew in a way, I was being guided and stopped resisting and started listening.

Everything happens for a reason.I was reeling with the hole in my heart my father made and was just about getting around to accepting and moving on, when I was thrown off balance with a messy breakup.Just when I began to accept and get on my feet again, once more I was betrayed by a close friend.At that point of time I asked myself why?How could I not see the signs?Wasnt twice enough?How much more could one person possibly take?It was then I realised that it was not in my power or right to question.Things happen when God wants them to happen and its upto us to learn.Enough is never enough...There will always be lessons that are waiting to be learned as this is your preparation, your defence against an uncertain future.One can never be prepared enough for the events that take place...what we can do though is pray for good judgement and not to end up bitter.

I fell ill these last couple of days and kinda had the wind knocked out of my sails.I hated it because I felt so weak and so useless, just a little bit of activity and I felt like I was ready to collapse.Something about this time was different though.Maybe the fact that I had this Italian hottie looking after me so sweetly.Things never end up the way we want it to, or the way we think they will.I look back at my imperfect perfect life, the confusing amazing present and uncertain future...I couldnt be happier.

So I'd like to dedicate the above entry to all my heartbreakers...I forgive you.